Beyond Bulimia

I just got off the phone with my mom and before hanging up she asked me if she could give out the link to my blog to some of her clients (she’s a FABULOUS nail technician).  I almost reverted back to age 13 to give her the standard “DUH” reply; I gave her a slightly less sarcastic “Of course” instead, but now that I’ve thought about her question a little bit I get why she asked in the first place.

My parents live in a town of about 20 people (OK 30) so everyone is going to know who I am, there’s going to be no anonymity whatsoever.  And this is something I’ve kept secret for 8 years - its a really ugly and embarrassing cat to let out of the bag all of a sudden.  At the same time its also kind of a relief.

Bulimia is embarrassing.  I mean think about it; no one willingly wants to admit they throw up on purpose - that they feel a desperate need to, that they can sit down and consume 3000 calories in the blink of an eye, that they can tell you which combination of laxatives are the most effective, or that they look forward to “cleansing”.  Its sick - and that’s one of the reason’s it can go undetected for so long.

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I am a horrible liar.  If my parents wanted to know the truth about something going on in our home they only had to look at me, half the time I didn’t have to say anything and the look on my face would give it away.  But when it came to hiding my eating disorder I could lie, bend the truth, and justify my behavior better than any politician.

And unlike anorexics, bulimics can hide what they’re doing pretty easily.  For one they still eat pretty normally and I can guarantee that a binge is never going to occur with a witness around.  Bulimics maintain a normal weight to slightly above normal weight for the most part; weight fluctuation is a warning sign but its also a hard thing to detect, especially with women.  Second, its not that hard to sneak away to purge.  No one questions you when you say you have to go to the bathroom….and typically no one’s going to follow you either.  And not all bulimics purge; some exercise excessively, use laxatives, or go on fasts for days at a time.  Or there are the over-achieving bulimics who do it all.

The thought of anyone finding out is terrifying, especially when your self-esteem sucks to begin with.   Perfectionism seems to be a running theme in eating disorders, at least it is with me and with what I’ve read/learned through treatment.  Puking is not perfect.  What would people think if they knew?  This fear is isolating.  For the longest time I felt completely alone, that no one would understand what I felt or why.  Secrecy is where bulimia gets its power.

The Brats (my eating disorder’s personalities) have a lot of rules to follow but the number one rule, the sacred rule, the rule that cannot under any circumstances be broken is that NO ONE can know.  I shattered that rule - it was a terrifying thing to do but at the same time it was liberating. 

Talking about what I was feeling and what I was doing (I didn’t want to but I couldn’t stop either), knowing I wasn’t alone, and knowing that the people I love still love me in spite of my disease make dealing and the process of healing that much easier.

Plus it’s on the Internet….any monkey with a keyboard can find this .

http://www.anorexiabulimiahelp.com/bulimia-signs.htm  (This is a link to a site that has a complete and pretty accurate list of the warning signs of bulimia)

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