Oct 28 2008
Peanut Butter and Sugar
I just said goodbye to my in-laws and (I love you dad!) saying goodbye to mom was a kick in the gut that sent me straight to comfort foods - no questions asked. For those of you scratching your head as to why saying goodbye to the in-laws, especailly my mother-in-law, was a heart breaking experience worthy of macaroni and cheese, sweet tea, and a spoonful of peanut butter and sugar, you don’t have my in-laws or my mother-in-law and you’re not wearing these amazing toe warming socks she gave me on an unusually cold Florida evening with a heater that doesn’t seem to want to work.
Anyway it made me a blubbering idiot and sent me straight to McDonald’s Sweet Tea and a spoonful of peanut butter and some sugar to top it off. Two of my favorite comfort foods which, invariably, were also my binge foods….hmmm funny how that worked. Now I wasn’t really worried about eating these comfort/binge foods because I didn’t care at the moment in time, I was worried about my daughter seeing me eat them. I even asked Marc if it was okay for Olivia to see me eat them and Marc asked “Whats wrong with a little peanut butter and sugar?”
Well…what is wrong with a little peanut butter and sugar? I don’t know really, but one thing I remember from treatment is that bulimics should stay away from their binge foods until they are strong enough in their recovery to face them healthfully, if they ever actually got to that point considering you’d always be bulimic and you may never be able to be around your trigger foods. Um well, yeah, no that doesn’t work for me.
My trigger foods also happen to be my comfort foods. And I don’t really think comfort foods are all that bad…even healthy people, food wise, have comfort foods. There’s a reason I like to eat peanut butter and sugar….its a lazy way of being able to have the taste of the peanut butter cookie dough my mom made without having to go through the hassle of actually having to make the cookies - plus its a lot less dangerous than having hot peanut butter cookies in the house. And like it or not damn-it I’m southern and I like my sweet tea…REAL SWEET tea…and Mick Dick’s makes it like the best.
My therapists, in and out of the treatment center, said to avoid comfort foods because until I was strong enough in recovery to face them it might lead to a binge. Well as nice and well meaning as all my therapists were, none of them had an eating disorder either. Even if all my comfort foods were out of my house, as a bulimic I know that if I really truly wanted to binge I could binge on anything…celery and carrots can be binge food if I needed the satisfaction of a binge bad enough.
So here’s my theory…and remember I’m not a doctor, hell I can hear cookies sing so take this with that in mind…eat your comfort food. EAT, yeah that’s what I said, your comfort food. But don’t hide it.
When I hide things I feel like I’m doing something shameful, that eating - especially foods I like - is shameful and should be hidden. And when its done in secret is when I go overboard; if no one sees me eat the food then I can eat as much as a I want, because if I’m not seen eating it then no one will suspect that I’m going to throw it up later. Hiding is the danger, hiding is what makes bulimia easy to get away with, hiding is what will ultimately kill you.
So what’s wrong with a little peanut butter and sugar…nothing at all damn it! It’s comfort food, and comfort’s always good. Plus one spoonful of peanut butter and sugar in public (and yes Olivia does count as public…even if she’s 1) beats the hell out of a dozen bushels of celery and carrots in secrecy.
