Oct 02 2008
The Mind Behind Beyond Bulimia
My name is Jessi. I’m 23-years-old, have been happily married to the love of my life, Marc, for two years, and am the proud mommy of a rambunctious one-year-old, Olivia. I am also a bulimic. A recovering bulimic to be specific.
I’ve silently struggled with bulimia since I was 15-years-old. My family knew nothing about my disease - people can’t see what is so well hidden - and if it wasn’t for my husband’s eagle eye and the doctor who didn’t believe my bull I probably would have had a heart attack by now.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t voluntarily seek treatment. I knew I needed help but I was convinced I could do it on my own. Bulimia blows (pun intended) and it’s tricky that way. If it wasn’t for my family and my little girl I don’t know if I would have sought out treatment for myself…I don’t like throwing up. It’s not fun, attractive, or enjoyable but it gave me something. It was a comfort. A high. A control.
I went into a treatment facility August of this year (2008) on doctor’s orders. While I’m thankful for what I learned there I don’t agree with some of the treatment I received. I don’t personally believe the 12 step program is effective in treating an eating disorder. The thought of always being bulimic, of having to look myself in the mirror every day and tell myself that I would forever struggle with my eating disorder doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want to be a slave to calories, food, mirrors, and scales.
I know that the recovery process is a long one, I don’t expect my eating disorder to disappear overnight and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish it would. I’m not a doctor and I by know means am saying to take my word over the word of professionals, they saved my life. I do however know what its like to suffer from an eating disorder and I do believe that one day, a day that’s probably a long way off, I will be able to live outside of the control of my eating disorder. This blog is a form of self-therapy; I find healing in writing. If my ramblings somehow help someone else, well I’m even happier I did this.
If you wish to contact me feel free to leave a comment or email me at justjessi@rocketmail.com.
I, too, find the healing in writing. I have started to blog about my battle with depression and how I overcame an abusive relationship. I also write in the hope that my story can help someone else. Thanks to you for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing you story. I also write to deal with bulimia.
Take good care of yourself.
Roxie
http://recoveryrocks.today.com/
I AM BULIMIC SINCE ABOUT TEN YEARS. I TOLD MY HUSBAND AS WE WERE DATING OVER FIVE YEARS AGO. NOW WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS AND WE HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE. MY HUSBAND IS A GREAT MAN AND WORK VERY HARD SO HE CAN PROVIDE US WITH EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. WE DON’T HAVE KIDS, BUT WE’LL LIKE TO HAVE JUST ONE IN THE FUTURE.
THE OTHER NIGHT I HAD A HUGE URGE TO VOMIT SO BAD AFTER DINNER, HE REALIZED SO AND STOOD BY THE BATHROOM DOOR PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING INTO THE BATHROOM. HE BEGUN TO TRANQUILIZE ME BY HOLDING ME AND TALKED TO ME OUT OF NOT GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND VOMIT WHAT WE JUST SHARED OVER DINNER. MY HUSBAND IS A COP, HE IS GOOD AT TALKING PEOPLE OUT OF BAD SITUATIONS. MY HUSBAND GOT ME INTO BED AND CALM ME DOWN AS I CRY FOR WANTING TO VOMIT MY FOOD. I TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS BOTHERING ME INSIDE AND IT WAS HURTING ME; AND HE IN A CALM TONE OF VOICE SAID: IT HURTS BECAUSE IT NEED TO BE EXPRESSED OUT AND MAYBE WITH A HELP OF A THERAPIST IT CAN HELP YOU OR HELP ME TO HELP YOU TO VOMIT, BUT IN WORDS INSTEAD, AND ADDED: SOMETHING IS BOTHERING YOU INSIDE AND WE NEED TO DEAL WITH IT. HE CONTINUE TOUCHING MY HAIR SOFTLY UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP. IN THE MORNING, AS WE WERE HAVING BREAKFAST HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING AND STATED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO START THERAPY, I ASK HIM IF HE COULD COME WITH ME AND HE SAID THAT OF COURSE HE WILL BE THERE BY MY SIDE ALL THE STEP OF THE WAY. HE ALSO ASSURED THAT HE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO AGREE IN EVERYTHING I WANTED IMPLYING THROWING UP, BUT HE WILL GIVE ME TOUGH LOVE IF THAT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO OVERCOME MY EATING DISORDER. I THINK THAT HE HAS DONE YESTERDAY BY NOT LETTING ME APPROACH THE BATHROOM AND REDIRECT ME TO OUR BED. I FEEL THAT MY HUSBAND GETS TOUGH WITH ME WHEN I WANT TO VOMIT OR DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BULIMIA ORDEAL, HE ASK QUESTIONS LIKE: WHAT IS BOTHERING RIGHT NOW? WHY ARE YOU WANTING TO THROW UP? HE ASSURES HIMSELF THAT IT’S LEARN BEHAVIOR THAT CAN BE UNLEARNED WITH THERAPY OF COURSE.
I LIKE TO HAVE MY HUSBAND AWARE THAT I SUFFER FROM BULIMIA, BECAUSE HE IS A GREAT DEAL OF HELP AS IS, I WILL START SEEKING A THERAPIST AS SOON AS NEXT WEEK AND HE WILL COME TO EVERY SESSION WITH ME TO SUPPORT ME ALL THE WAY, BUT I AM SCARE ABOUT THAT TOUGH LOVE. I WILL BE MAD AT MY HUSBAND IF IT COMES TO SOMEDAY MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE ME HOOK UP TO AN IV AND HE SAYS YES TO THE DOCTOR, MEANING TO APPROVE FOR THE DOCTOR TO INJECT ME A IV, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?!
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EXPRESS MY THROUGHTS.
A BULIMIC COP’S WIFE