I’ve had a relapse and I’m having a really hard time dealing with it.  I’m working very hard but the urge to purge is always there lingering underneath the surface.  The diet is working and I am losing weight but I want to lose the weight faster and I feel I can do that with purging.  I know this is dangerous thinking so I’m doing a lot of writing and I’m just trying to follow my eating plan. I’m trying so hard…

I’ve officially been on the Skinny Switch Secret eating plan for two days now and I have to say Wow that’s a lot of food!  I kind of thought this was going to be more of a diet diet but I’m eating a lot of food….for me anyways.  Here’s my menu from today:

• Breakfast:  Cream of Wheat with walnuts
                       glass of milk
• Lunch:  Veggie burger
                 salad with dressing
                 milk
                 soy nuts ( I skipped these)
• Snack 1: English muffin “pizza”
                  1/2 whole wheat english muffin brushed with olive oil topped with a slice of tomato,
                  canadian bacon or ham, and mozzarella cheese
                  water
• Dinner:  Spicy Tuna Wrap (its a good sized wrap)
                  apple
                  drink of choice (calorie free)
• Snack 2: Cheesecake bites (graham crackers topped with cream cheese and strawberry)
                   milk

Now today’s a lean out day so the menu’s leaner but its still a lot of food for me.  Maybe I really have been depriving my body but I don’t understand how eating all of this food is supposed to help me loose weight. 

I secretly think they are trying to flush the weight off of me because of all the water I’m supposed to drink in a day. Divide your body weight in half and then drink that many ounces of water…that’s a lot of freakin’ water too!

 I think the difference is that I had help making my grocery list.  Super Skinny Switch makes grocery lists for you! This is freaking awesome.  I altered my menu for the week, weeded out the foods on the list and in the menus that I’ll never eat (like figs) and replaced them with another alternative, clicked a button and BAM! I have a shopping list.  They nailed down every ingredient on every recipe and then they allowed you to alter your shopping list to get rid of duplicates (they’ll list tomatoes like 4 times…that’s kind of annoying) and stuff you already have or don’t currently need. Like I said before this is awesome!

Now hopefully I don’t have a panic attack once Marc and I get to the store.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

The kitchen quite frankly scares the living day lights out of me.  Every time I go in there I about have a panic attack….there are just too many choices when it comes to food.  I need structure, tell me what to eat and how much to eat and I’ll do it for you but when I’m left to make my own decisions I get so overwhelmed I opt out and choose nothing…or I choose the wrong thing.

I’ve decided to try something called the Skinny Switch Secret.  It’s supposed to be a way of eating (notice I didn’t use the word diet) that tricks your body into burning fat instead of muscle or sugar (carbs).  For two days you eat a lower carb diet and the on day three you load up on your favorite foods and you start the process all over again.  I was attracted to this plan because it’s flexible (you get a whole cheat day every three days!) and it’s structured.  There’s a meal plan!  You choose from a list of foods what you would like to eat and they tell you what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat it.  I’m loving this idea!  Now lets just hope it works.

 I’m starting on Saturday or Sunday, depending on when I get to the grocery store.  I’ll keep you posted on how it goes!

 http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/17/obama.veterans/

Bulimics and anorexics use thinspo as a means to inspire themselves to be thin or to stay thin, sometimes deadly so.  Thinspo comes in many forms aside from photos.  There are thinspiration quotes, i.e. “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”, thinspo songs, poetry, and books.

Thinspiration is extremely dangerous and addictive.  I can remember visiting certain websites or scouring the internet for hours just looking at pictures of women that I wanted to be like.  Now that I’m in recovery I try to stay away from it but sometimes I find myself looking at it without looking for it…like in magazines.  If you know anyone recovering from an eating disorder be aware of thinspo it can be extremely triggering.

This is the newest member of our family Roxy!  She is an 8 week old Golden Retriever and an absolute sweetheart!

**Our other Golden Retriever puppy Marley ran away from my parents house and we are still hoping he turns up, any readers in Roane County, WV please be on the look out for him!**

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

I came across this quote from Marilyn Monroe today and I absolutely love it.  I’m tired of people thinking that the only way to be beautiful is to be perfect, hell I’m tired of thinking it myself.  I find myself looking at pictures in magazines, looking at the ads on Myspace (and various other sites but they are the main offender), and watching t.v. and seeing these pencil thin women who appear to be perfect and they are who everyone is raving about.  It’s unsolicited thinspo!

When are advertising’s, clothing styles, and general entertainment going to start gloryfing REAL women?  Do you know how hard it is to go shopping with curves?  It’s a royal pain in the ass!  And just because I’m not a B cup does it mean I don’t like pretty lingerie!  Damn woman at VS had the nerve to tell me and I quote, “We tend to find that  women who have chests as large as yours don’t like lace.”  Well BULLSH*T!  I like lace you just don’t make a lace bra in my size.  I wanted to kick her skinny little ass.